poop ..

this is a tough one ...

selah ..

part of the reason i blog at this juncture of life
is to update some friends and family
who are wanting to keep track of what i'm doing
and rather than do it individually
blogging addresses all at once

i really started blogging because i always liked to write
i had things on my mind
i journaled
and then i realized that some of what i experience
some of what i think about
might be helpful to someone somewhere out there
somehow

selah ..

today
like several other days recently
has been a bit difficult for me ...

i'm feeling poopy
and it surprises me i'm here
writing this ..
i know it's not suitable for all
and it's rather personal
   journal stuff
and i may not publish it .. ... .. .

i'm not a youngster anymore
i'm on the down side of middleage

i'm not certain how much life energy i have left to give ..
actually noone is ..
but i guess i'm in a reflective stage of life
when you look back
and you wonder . ... ... .. . .
what was that all about .. ?

and you look at yourself
and you say
who are you, mate   ?

and you put that stuff on the table
shuffle it around a bit
trying to make sense of it
fitting these pieces together
and those pieces look like they go together
and maybe this fits with that ...

it's like a pause
a hiatus
a sabbath   ?  ?   ...

it can be frightening ..

selah ..~

a day came when i knew i was headed somewhere ...
and my heart got a kickstart
my life was directioning
a direction that felt warm and smelled right
a movement that only God could orchestrate
   knowing where i came from and the road i travelled

i was in this
like some bigwave surfer gritting his teeth at the sight of a 40 footer
and telling his body he was doing this regardless of that nagging impulse to run ..
do NOT do this !
get the hell out of here !
i took the wave
heart in mouth

the journey started weeks before i hit the road
it was rough
tough
littered with glass and potholes and treacherous turns
and drama
downfeakinright trecherous

i thought more than once
this was going to fail
but i bit down hard
tightened my belt a notch
and ducked
then walked on

the road trip itself was littered with bullmalarkey
one thing after another after another
day after day after day
mile after mile after mile
and drama

it was maddening
it threatened to break me

i nearly quit
more than once

but i didn't
and i'm here
i landed

beautiful place
nice folk
lovely food

i'm here
and i'm glad i'm here
because this is where i figure God wants me ...
really

selah ..~

but ..
i'm draggin'
i'm languishing
i feel like i'm wasting
i feel like i'm useless
i feel wasted

i haven't worked in over a month
and i don't have any firm plans for that yet

i'm an introvert
and that means this
http://asthekingdomturns.blogspot.com/2013/10/the-trials-of-introvert-adjusting-to.html
in short it means
   i need alone time
   and alone space
   to synthesize
   to reenergize
and i got neither right now
and i don't have any firm plans for that yet ..

selah ..~

i got this thing
hanging around my neck
albatross like
called the homeless
and it's a burden that gets weightier by the day ..
my back is breakin' from it

and i got this thing
stickin in my heart
like some half-chewed nut stuck in my throat ..
it's a soft voice
calling my name !
calling me
and i can't seem to lose it !
can't drown it out
can't silence it
can't get away from it ..
... . .. .    .
mostly because
it's
my
voice

it's my voice
in back of my own freakin' head
calling my name..

what's with that  ? ..
...... ... .  .. . .. . .. .. . .. .. . . .   .

i know that voice
i know why i'm calling my name

it's because i got this thing
hanging around my neck
albatross like
called the homeless
and it's a burden that gets weightier by the day

and i won't leave me alone

i keep calling me

selah ..~

i feel like i'm wasted
like i'm useless
like they're out there
homeless
hungry
cold
dirty
and i'm not doing anything
they're out there
and i'm not doing anything ..
'cept wasted

that's why i'm calling me
i won't let it go
i can't let it go
so i call my name

and i can't get me to shut up !

selah ..~

i know i know ..
i'm naive
i don't understand
i'm simplistic
   simpleminded
i'm irrational
i don't realize the complexity
i don't appreciate the redtape
i don't get the politics
where's the money coming from
where are the workers coming from
we'll offend the neighbourhood
we'll bring down the wrath of the powers that be ..

whatever !

i only know
they're out there
homeless
hungry
cold
dirty
and i'm not doing anything
they're out there
and i'm not doing anything ..
.. .. . . . . ... .   .

i feel poopy ...

my father living in you homeplace
i acknowledge your holy name
i look for your kingdom
and for your will to be done here and now even as it is in your homeplace
provide my needs today
and forgive me for sinning
as i 'have' forgiven those that sinned against me
lead me away from temptation
and deliver me from the wiles of the evil one
for the kingdom is your kingdom
as is the power and the glory
it's all yours
and it's eternal

i'm all yours

cool my fears
reassure me
speak to that voice in back of my head
so i know that it's your voice calling me
when my voice calls my name ... .. .

i need to lose this albatross
'fore i drown
in the poop

what a way to go down ... .