life 4 ..~ trekkin' out .. 7 .... the Voice ..

sometimes it's good to look back
sometimes
just turn around and look
not for long ... don't want to stay there
but just long enough to remind yourself ...
where you came from
how the roads led to here ...
look once more at the main turns
the explosions that shot you out of one space into another
out of one life into a new life

it's good for the soul
wisening
a perspective thing to do
places you firmly in the now
locates you

selah ..~

my whole life
has been leading me to
here ...

selah ..~

i'm locating
myself
trying to anyway
it's exciting
it's filled with difference
variety
change
and that's ... interesting

there's also the strangeness
not merely of the place and the people
but the strangeness of me
here
in this new place
again ....

been there done that
several times now
it's unsettling
disturbing
upending ...

adrift
in newness

as an introverted romantic
it's difficult
the need now is to step out
find people
meet and talk and gettoknow ...
my privateness wants to follow someone else in
let the extrovert do the breakthrough
walk in on their heels
join in

but
methinks
i'm tired of waiting
i got to do this differently
this time

i'm tired of waiting
to gain a foothold
tired of bending myself to fit others' schedules
go when they go
sleep when they sleep ...
moving to the beat of their drum

i have to make my own way
find my own way in
my own way around
locate myself
rather than wait

it's tough

at my age
people are usually long settled
secure
grounded

it's a frightening thing sometimes
to know you're adrift
on a new sea
it can dislocate your mind
put it out of sync
as you frighten yourself into numbness
immobility
uselessness

selah ..~

that was perhaps a lengthy way of saying
major lifechange is scary
especially when you sell everything
lose everything that was oldlife
and step out into newlife
vastly different life
... and
at my age

there's another side to that coin ...

i don't walk alone

and i am constantly having to bang my head against the rock wall
remind me
i do not
walk
alone
never alone

fact is
i'm in this place
because of the one who walks with me
he put a black hole in my heart
a dark broad deep void
a space that has to be filled

i tried to fill it
college
career
family
church
..... fail
major fail

selah ..~

he called me
opportuned me
and i'm in
i'm here

i travelled a long bumpy dusty dark dangerous road
   to get here
and it took a lot out of me
a lot
i will not allow me
to diss that
i cannot

selah ..~

there's a voice
sings in the back of my head
sometimes i can't get the words
sometimes it's barely a whisper
   a distant melody
   hardly audible

but
know what   ?
i know that voice
it's a familiar voice
i'd know it anywhere
even when it's
inandout
   like a bad connection
fady
   like saythatagain
or
not there
   can't hear a thing .............. . ... ... .          .            .

thing is
i know
i know
the Voice
is there
i know

it may be silent
it may not have anything to say right now ...
it may be i'm not listening ... .. .
but it's there
that Voice

mine
is to listen
hear
follow
faithing
always faithing
always listening
following
always

there's nothing else
nothing worthwhile
nothing

my life
is his
my heart
is his
my name
is his

i follow
whereever
the Voice leads

i never walk alone
never

shalom to you
today