forgetful me

most of us think a poor memory is a bad thing ...

i'm not so sure

i have a poor memory
i don't remember all the detaily things my friends remember
and my family
things that happened long ago
some far away ...

in another galaxy

i surrender remember
whether selectively
or the ol' brain just don't fire on all four cylinders any more

whether it was the repeated head-slapping in school
or the head-collision with a moving fishing boat
or the too-often head-meetings with steering wheels and windshields
or that looooong fall head-first towards a concrete floor
almost dead i suppose
if we had collided
the almost that left me brain-shocked for days

any one
or any combination

...

maybe i simply wanted to forget
maybe i taught myself to forget
maybe the cancerous stresses of life
active for too long
took a toll on the good ol' brain

but
like i say
it may have enough pluses to make it worthwhile
not so much of a bad thing

take a familiar topic like christianity as a for-example
... .. . .. .

i learned a lot about christianity
since i was a boy

i studied it a lot
as a young man
and i limited my self
to a particular brand
theology of a specific type
molded in the crucible of the fundamnentalist coming-out
of the 70's and 80's ...
in the very crucible

and i locked that in
i drew lines
took sides
took opposing sides
cut off
cut out
cut up
the opposers

and then a couple things went down
that took me down
to the depths
.........

selah


when i managed to crawl away
i was soul-seared
as in burned
i was almost in a daze

there was a fight
to get back to reality
to regain some foothold on life

and then came the revolution
the rebellion

i challenged everything i had ever learned of christianity
everything i 'knew' of the bible
very few things were excluded
... that's not an easy thing to do

you have to
break down
all
the walls
to the
box
you live in

i
lived in

it was a massive endeavour
it took boldness
and in-your-faceness ...
for someone like me
it was a complete makeover
erupting from the dread of death
literally

i came out
scathed
scarred
bruised
broken
drunken
almost damaged beyond recovery

it's tough stuff
to dump all you've come to see yourself as
all you used to describe yourself as
all you used to esteem yourself as

and
start
again

from
scratch

methinks my poor memory helps that

selah ..... .. . . . .

as a friend said
it's so much harder to undo the wrong christian theologies
than to approach people who have none

he's right
it's a whole lot harder

we build our selves on our theologies
if we're serious at all about it
and we (should) reflect what we believe ...
and to the extent that locks-in
the undoing and redoing of it
is a weighty ordeal

sometimes
you have to
go
down
to the depths
and fight
to get out
alive

...

some don't make it
i'm sure
the disentangling is too much
and they run
they give it all up
throw in the towel
curse the day

....

i'm glad
sometimes
my memory isn't that good

it allows me
hope
hope that i can change
that real life isn't really what i made it out to be
hope that the God i thought i knew
is much more loving
gracious
merciful
understanding
... not so full of sharp edges
not so gavel-y
leaving room for weak tired bruised wayward children
like
me

fact is
the more i review scripture
the more i reframe God accordingly
the more i embrace the God
who is quite unlike the god i thought i served
the more i dump the theology
and refresh the scripture
the more i reflect on Jesus
...
well, the more i see that God ...
in all that adjectival beauty
embracing me
holding me
upholding me
in love
... lost child

this is the God i serve
choose to serve ...
not 'choose' as in i-make-him-into-what-i-want choose
but choose as in choose him
over my theologies
over my submission
to religion
to denominational bondage
to particularistic christianity
that draws lines
and cuts
rather than erases lines
and heals
restores

i choose him
he chooses me

and onward i trod
headed in that direction
limping a bit
but hopeful
faith-full
trying to be love-full

allthewhile
creating
new
memories

peace ....