I don’t mean to be morose… one day I will die.
And when I do I will find myself in the presence of Jesus,
whatever precisely that means.
I ask myself what that will be like … I have thoughts,
probably not very theological.
I see myself somehow being able to see him, even though I’m
prostrate. I can’t take my eyes off him. It’s like he’s the friend I never met
eye-to-eye, and the most beautiful person I ever saw, and I just want to hug him
and hold his hand, and hug him some more. And I see us walking along some
gorgeous path, alone. And all is quiet – we don’t speak. And then he says
something, and I don’t even know if my voice will work … and we talk a while. And
we stop, there, by that tree, and sit on the roots, leaning against the trunk.
And he asks me stuff .. some I am slow to answer because I’m
ashamed. “What made you do that instead of this? How could you, my friend?”
Like that..
There’s no pressure on. But the pressure is huge, it just
comes from myself, my own mind, my conscience. And it builds as he reminds me
of things, tells me motivations I was hiding from myself when I convinced me
that I should do this or that, and I knew I shouldn’t. Things like that.
I always thought I’d be standing in this huge, great, white hall,
and that everyone in the universe (particularly Christians) was able to look
on. My name is called, and I am led before the incredible throne that stands at
one end of the room. My head is down, my gaze at the rock floor as I walk. When
he addresses me, I fall immediately, face down, and begin to shake as I wait
for him to speak. He has books and causes them to be read, and they detail …
me. My entire life is laid out and I shudder in shame and filthy-feelings as
the universe watches …. . .. …. .. . . .
Not now.
Although my dream above may have drifted too far in the
other direction, I am not so ‘afraid’ anymore. I fear, in a way, but I long to
see him, and that longing unhinges the rest of me; the fear is secondary. The love
is predominant, out there, everywhere. I simply cannot wait to see him, and
that envelopes everything, eclipses everything else. I shall see him …
Face-to-face… eye-to-eye… …. .
My master. My Lord. My Saviour. My friend.
The Love of mine. The strength of mine. My faith, my hope.
My energy. ….. my redemption, and my sin-sacrifice.
By the time our chat is finished, I am simply staring out
into some distant place, numb, I guess, from the sheer force of his lovingness.
He simply got up and walked off, leaving me there to melt in my own dis-grace.
I had hurt him. So many times. Many many many. It was almost overwhelming just
listening to him, and watching some of the scenes drift before me, memories,
regrets, …
And then he thanked me. He did. I was rather taken back by it. He said that he was proud of
me when I did this or that, said something that pleased him, had him in mind
when I gave someone in need a help .. . My demeanor shifted as I listened. Some
of the things I hardly remembered. Some were hard to do, to say, and yet,
somehow I did it, said it, for Jesus’ sake, and took the fallout. We chatted a
while like that, and his smile warmed everything.
Finally he got up, said he loved me, and invited me to this
huge meal he was having - lots of celebrating and happy times, seeing old
friends and loved ones I longed to see, eating with people I always wanted to
meet – my heroes.
But as he walked back, I just sat there. My heart was on
fire, but it was a pleasant feeling. I was absolutely more alive than I had
ever been. I sat a long while, thinking over the stuff we discussed, feeling
very mad at how foolish I had been, how detrimental to the kingdom initiative,
how ignorant of the depth of the love of this man for me .. for me.
Those mixed emotions played out for a long time. I walked
this trail, that path, stopped here or there to listen to some bird or animal,
to gaze at the wonder of the rocky mountain just over there, mirror-lake at it’s
foot. I just hung out. A long, long time .. thinking.
By the time I had found my way back to the path, I was a
different man. I was .. .. . settled. Balanced. I knew me. I knew who I had
been all along, and who I was. I knew me. And I was ok with that. Jesus was ok
with it .. and who was I after all to disagree with him J ..
I’m ok now. I’m safe. The scent of love absolutely pervades
this place. It’s more beautiful, more colourful, more vivid and alive and
scentual and … peaceful.
shalom… home … where the heart is.
i am complete .. .
There seems to be a point of change in the middle of your blog. Not now.... what caused this change in perspective? What do you mean when you say "balanced & centered"?
ReplyDeletethanks for you comment.
Deletei think over time my fear has been eclipsed by his great love, as i said. not that i do not fear - far from it; but it's in perspective. "there is no fear in love; perfect love casts out fear". my previous hard-line, fundamentalist perspective on this morphed into a new view, based in the love of God... always lean towards the love of God, always, especially in 'theology' where these things are fleshed out
i did say 'balanced', not 'centered' - and 'settled'.. briefly: we were created in fullness. i mean a return to that state, for one thing. i also mean a richer fullness, in that, to bring everything full-circle, God went to extreme lengths he would not have had to otherwise, and it makes the whole thing so much more precious, incredible, awe-inspiring.. like "wow..."
i am so un-balanced in my present state; drifting, shifting, thoughts askew, questioning, unsure; put-out by stress ans attack and confrontation and hatred ... i live in battle zone Earth ... in that day i speak of in this blog, all that insecurity and shifting and animosity will be gone, for good..
i will know me as i am, and i will be at rest, like a still pendulum, finding centre .. as in shalom
i hope i verbalized this so it makes sense..
another thought re 'balanced'.. scripture is clear that God is transforming us into the image of 'his dear son' ... that means i should be headed in that direction now, today, and tomorrow.. at that time that process will be complete .. i will then be what God intended me to be in the first place when he created humanity in his image and likeness.. perfectly Jesus-like, true human, reflecting the image of God himself.. can't get more balanced than that
DeleteWisdom~
ReplyDelete