reconciliation .. again ... more ...

So, I'm trying (note) to get to running again. Right now it's a mix of walk/jog intervals. It's pretty sad. I used to run a bit. That was back there, wayyyyy back there. And I dislike it. A lot. Only reason I ever did it was I'm lazy. I figured I got the most workout for the least time/effort by running; there was too much effort involved in doing anything else after a work-day. So I ran.    

For a loooong while now I've been having this chat with me, sorta like "K, dude. You have to get back into some kinda shape. Got to." "True. I need it badly." and so on. Tried this and that, but I'm too lazy and indisciplined. Can't get it done. Made a resolution this year (only 2: I guess I figured if I kept it simple a simpleton like me might actually get it): get in shape.

So then, I figured if the only thing I could ever get done was jogging/running I might as well give it another shot. So I are .... and it's painful. Aside from an old back issue, my body keeps telling me this is absolutely abnormal. Running was meant for aminals, like cheeeetahhhhs, and antylopes, and stuff. Not for humaners. There's the leg/hip thing, where they just don't want to go another step. And then my lungs are like threatening me: "either quit this or we resign". And my energymeters are red-lining. They're freakin' my brain!

Why on earth am i going to keep this up, especially when i'm hardly getting anywhere, even after 8 ridiculous sessions?? I must be an absolute dwingly.

And  then I was thinking a while ago ... there may be some correlation here with the spiritual... may be. When we exercise the spirit we progress spiritually, get stronger. When we neglect it, we atrophy. Simple rule: use it or lose it. You get injured and operated-on, and the doc wants you back in action asap. That broken bone needs to heal, and then you need to get back using that limb rapido. If you don't the associated joints will lock-up = frozen, and the longer you wait to get moving, the harder and more painful it is going to be. Period.

When I go spiritual God gets an invitation to be in charge. He loves that kind of thing. But... he's Dad. And he has this dadly thing about wanting me to mature. Either "Pick this up and make it a part of your life", or "Drop that. It's slowing you down, distracting you." Or : "You know, son, I hate that. It hurts me. You need to stop." And, if I'm a good son (or when I'm good) I take note, I listen. And then if I'm really being good I actually try to do what he wants. But it hurts me. It hurts him when I'm dissin' him; but it hurts me when I try to obey him and quit hurting him, because the things he wants usually isn't what I want. There's pain involved.

It hurts. It hurts because my 'flesh'/body likes the things I do, or don't do. It likes lazy. It don't want to work at much. Because it hurts. Who wants to hurt? Let's chill, do the computer thingy, the tv thingy, the read thingy ... stuff like that. - Why you got to exercise?! It absolutely stinks! Why you worrying about 'spirit' stuff? God knows you, bro. Relaxicate and chilliate. All is cool, mate. Don't get so bent out of shape ...

God operates. He cuts open this flesh. He goes in. Sometimes deep in. He's working to get that thingy out before it injures me, or kills me. He wants me well. I'm his son.

But that scalpel sure is sharp, and it sure hurts. Hurts like hell. It's de-fleshing ...

There's this verse that always gets to me.  For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart. And no creature is hidden from his sight, but all are naked and exposed to the eyes of him to whom we must give account (Heb 4.12,13). I see myself lying on my back, and my chest cut open, and God looking inside me - all the dark, hidden places, some of them places even I dread to trod. God gets to see it all, in all it's horror and nastiness and revolting crud. Astonishing.

That's pain.

And the truth of it isn't mitigated just because I don't go there, I don't allow myself to look into those dungeons of my soul; that's pretense. God sees me, period. And that's painful.

Fact is, I think, fixing my body and fixing my spirit are both painful endeavours that call for being 'real', for willingness to face that reality, and for submission. That too is painful, that submit thing. It takes away from my control, makes me vulnerable.

... and the older I get the more ingrained the laziness/weakness/dwindling health/unfit/out-of-shape/energy-sapping/heading-for-the-walker stuff. It's a whole lot harder to fix if I leave it for long; it creeps up as I lie around eating chips and drinking low calorie crap. And it's more painful.

I want to try to be in good physical shape, and I'm going to try not to give up, even though it hurts, a lot. And (God help me) I want to be trying to be in good spiritual shape, and I'm going to try my hardest not to give up.

now, perspective ..

... the training of the body has a limited benefit,

but godliness is beneficial in every way, since it holds promise for the present life

and also for the life to come.

shalom